On Being Brave & Using My Real Name
Because It's Pretty Much Impossible to Own Your Story While Standing Outside of It.
“One of the truisms of wholehearted living is You either walk into your story and own your truth, or you live outside of your story, hustling for your worthiness.” - Brené Brown
I’ve wanted to tell some parts of my story for over a decade.
I’ve sputtered and tried to find my voice only to choke on the words.
I’d tell a piece here and a piece there. Make vague allusions. Talk around the parts that sliced the deepest.
Hideout on the edges of things; live at the margins of my becoming.
I’d publish a piece and then delete it a few days later, my thoughts in a tangle. If second-guessing myself was an Olympic sport, I’d be bedazzled in medals.
I didn’t want to write my story seething. I didn’t want to use my voice with vitriol.
(That is once I started to believe I even had a voice that was still worth using.)
A few years ago, I tried to share some of my changing views and the stories that informed them.
Rapidly met with comments from those I once knew proclaiming Jesus would spew me out of his mouth like vomit because I sank so far beneath my former calling, I shrank back in silence.
When I set out to write again late last year, I girded myself with a pen name.
D.M. Perry. A proud literary tradition of 2-3 initials paired with a surname. J.R.R. Tolkien. C.S. Lewis. J.K. Rowling.
.And if you googled it, it was free and clear of any awkward old moments preserved forever courtesy of the World Wide Web.
It was a layer of protection, a little bit of armor.
But it wasn’t me.
I found it impossible to reclaim my voice or share my story authentically while standing outside of it.
I couldn’t truly walk into my story while denying my identity and the name attached.
But that’s what the trauma does. It strips and crushes our sense of self. It separates us in many ways from who we really are. It makes us want to live under an assumed alias.
I’m not here to point fingers at or tear down specific people or ministries. No matter how much they’ve caused me personal pain. It’s just not how I roll.
However, I will talk about the toxic dynamics I encountered in the expressions of the charismatic culture I was deeply embedded in.
Some of the leaders I once knew have gone on to become part of the tip of the spear of the most radical elements of Christian nationalism threatening not just the fabric of US democracy, but the very heart of Christianity itself (for their followers).
Some of you may not be too concerned about the latter, and that is completely understandable. But for those of us who call the US home, we all need to be concerned about the former.
I’ve seen the aftermath of tribal violence and civil war firsthand in Africa. I am deeply troubled about what the next few months and years might hold here in the USA.
I don’t have a huge platform these days. But if each of us uses the voice and influence we do have, I have to believe we can make a difference.
So, I’m just going to start us off here bluntly by saying:
If your Jesus is a white man wearing a red MAGA hat, he’s not the Jesus of Scripture.
If you are in a religious environment where you are pressured or shamed for thinking independently, asking questions, or disagreeing with leadership… those are hallmarks of high-control religion, not a healthy spiritual community.
If you are leaving behind a Christian experience that has disbelieved, manipulated, controlled, or caused you harm, you are not alone.
And YOU are not the problem.
You deserve to be believed. Seen. Cared for.
I hope as I share my lived experiences (and some salty thoughts to go with them) we can forge a community in this corner of the internet to heal together.
You are safe here to be who you are.
All my love, Michele
If the term Christian Nationalism is new to you, here are a few resources I’ve found very balanced and helpful. I’ll talk more about my take on things, but these books and documentaries are great places to start.
Books:
Bad Faith by Randall Balmer
Thy Kingdom Come by Randall Balmer
How Civil Wars Start by Barbara Walter (a little more academic and more focused on international dynamics than religion, but sobering and well written.)
Documentaries:
Bad Faith ( This would be my first recommendation to start with. It’s based on the book, current and excellent.)
Against All Enemies (How far-right violent extremist groups target Veterans)
Charismatic Revival Fury by Matthew D. Taylor, Ph.D. (This free audio series directly covers the movement I spent 20 years in and around. It is so well researched and presented.)