Forgiveness Was Never Meant to Be a Weapon

If I had ten dollars (metaphor adjusted for inflation) for every time I have named abuse or told parts of my story and the response was some iteration of, “Have you forgiven them yet?” I could retire on my own semi-deserted paradise island.

Forgiveness was never meant to become a weapon against the abused and broken. But in many instances that is exactly what it has turned into.

Between repeated instances of sexual violence in church settings splashing across the news, power plays of leaders, and ongoing dynamics of spiritual abuse, we desperately need to rethink the way we approach forgiveness and stop weaponizing it… Especially in instances of repeated, willful, intentional harm.

WHAT FORGIVENESS ISN’T

When I confronted unthinkable harm that happened during the time I was away on emergency medical leave from a project I once led overseas, I made decisions to protect the welfare of the children and people in my care who were abused. But I was the one that got in trouble for firing those who perpetrated the harm.

I was told I should have forgiven, given them grace, and allowed them to work out their issues and learn from their mistakes so everyone could better walk in forgiveness.

Excuse me, but HELL no.

That’s not forgiveness. It’s a cover-up.

It’s using forgiveness as a club and a cudgel to shame, silence, and subject survivors to even more abuse on top of what they already have experienced.

Forgiveness is not a free pass, a panacea, or permission for continued access.

Gaslighting is not a form of grace or goodness.

Spiritual bypassing is not a sign of maturity and wholeness.

We must become more concerned about the rights and welfare of those who have been harmed than protecting their abusers and the systems that empower them.

That was an extreme example. But there are far more subtle ways forgiveness gets weaponized every day.

I have on occasion ventured to share some of my personal experiences of abuse in my childhood or what I’ve encountered in 20 years of various ministry settings. Often I’ve been met with concern about my need to forgive more so I can be more fully healed.

Maybe, just maybe... The ability to stand inside and own my story is evidence of healing, rather than a lack of it.

“Forgiveness” that blames the survivor for an ongoing trauma response by implying if they had actually forgiven, they’d be healed is predatory.

Forgiveness is not a magic pill. It doesn’t negate the effects of the trauma because trauma recovery involves far more than an act of will or a singular choice.

However, in almost every inner-healing prayer ministry session I’ve ever been in, the premise that forgiveness is the first step toward healing has undergirded the methodology used.

[“Inner healing” is a term used widely in charismatic settings to describe prayer ministry often sought as a more spiritual substitute for therapy with credentialed therapists. Unfortunately, most of the inner-healing practices I’ve experienced ranged from unhelpful to abusive all on their own.]

I've come to realize forgiveness is not a step at all.

It's not a box to be checked or an obstacle to be overcome.

It’s a beautiful unfolding of our tight and tired hands when we are ready to let go.

TRAUMA & TOXIC FORGIVENESS DOCTRINE

Trauma is not only a spiritual experience. It’s a brain-body-emotional-relational-whole-self experience that touches every part of who we are.

KJ Ramsey writes in The Lord is My Courage (an amazing book), “Trauma is about the suspension of time and the separation of the self inside, wherein our bodies struggle to differentiate between past and present. Small reminders or rising states of stress can make us feel lost in space and time.”

Trauma steals our voice, distorts our time, and destroys our trust in ourselves and others.

Researchers have found that “trauma is stored in somatic memory and expressed as changes in the biological stress response.” In plain English, trauma is stored in and affects the body in a myriad of ways, especially the ways in which we respond to stress.

When forgiveness is forced or feels like a judgment, even subtly, it can do further violence to the places of our pain just longing to be met with understanding and support.

Any understanding of forgiveness that results in silencing the story, dismissing the damage, and minimizing the pain suffered by survivors of abuse is toxic.

It assumes a binary understanding of healing. You are or you aren’t.

It can shift blame and shame to survivors implying, “If you aren’t further along or you are still hurting, it’s your fault. You need to forgive more.”

Forgiveness isn’t a singular event or a switch we flip. All good now.

When it comes, it’s often the result of a journey.

FORGIVENESS AND THE GOSPELS

One of the many verses that get turned into battering rams is:

“For if you forgive men their sins, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive men their sins, neither will your Father forgive your sins.” Mt 6:14-15

Seems simple enough right?

But every English translation we have available to us is a translation.

If you’ve ever even tried to study a new language, think back to having to figure out which one of their 5 five words best fits the meaning of your one word.

There is no translation, without interpretation. Ever.

Our one English word for sin has many options in Koine Greek.

Hamartia is the most common word for sin used in the New Testament. It roughly is translated as, “missing the mark”.

This is not the word used in Mt 6:14-15.

Koine had a frequently used word for evil and abusive behavior… Kakos. It means bad, worthless, corrupt, depraved, wicked, criminal, mischievous, harmful, destructive, and injurious.

Yet, that is not the word used in this verse either.

The word used is parapiptō, which can be best translated as to slip aside, to deviate from the right path, turn aside, wander, err, and fall away.

There is no clear indication this word is talking about prolonged, repeated, intentional violence and abuse. So let’s not assume that it is.

And the word used for forgive means to let go, allow to expire.

Again, what if forgiveness is simply loosening our grip little by little until we are ready to let go?

Please don’t tell the grieving mom who has an empty bed and a hole in her heart, she just needs to forgive and it will be ok.

Please don’t turn forgiveness into a hoop to jump through for the one who is already exhausted by navigating trauma’s landscape.

Please don’t imply the one who is struggling with their abuse history is at fault for their ongoing pain.

Please don’t shut down the stories of the hurting by dismissing them as bitter and unforgiving.

Please be willing to step into the uncomfortable space of weeping with those who weep, if you are so invited, and learn to just… be there.

Without fixing. Without figuring. Without finding fault with their wounds.

Please realize the ability to name abuse and find the courage to enfold its deep betrayals in language and whisper them out loud is itself an act of bravery.

Do I believe forgiveness can be part of the healing process? Sure. At some point, yes.

But only when that forgiveness is the outcome and overflow of a living dynamic journey into greater wholeness, not a weaponized prerequisite for it.

It’s my deep hope this place can be a place that holds your stories with tenderness. You deserve to be heard, believed, and cherished. And in this space, you are.